Its my everlasting wishful thinking!!! And more so from the moment I saw my mother this saturday after an year in person. She is the most dynamic and energized person I have ever seen. yes, I know all children think of their mothers that way. I have seen my mom wake up at 4 and work tirelessly till the night, both at home and office and still look fresh every moment. I havent really seen her rest or complain about hardwork ever. I did appreciate it all the time, but it has grown leaps and bounds now that I am going to be a mother too. I really dont think I can do so much as her, ever. By just seeing a frowning face, she would forget her all day tiredness and make a dish that I love so much, just to make me feel better. I still see the person with the same attitude, but I can also see that she is making an effort to be active, yet she is tired and is trying to hide it.
It hurts! I realise that its not because she cant do things as she used to or that I am dependant on her as I was. I can do all the work and would just like her to rest, but I just dont want her to get older. Its the same for everyone. You just love them so much and you are terribly scared to face reality of ageing. If anyone asks me what I wish if I saw God now, I would just ask Him that I want her young forever! Wouldnt that be the most wonderful thing to happen !!!
Yet, I know its not possible! But, on the insight, it has made me realise how precious every single moment of life is. The moments you spend with family, friends and people who matter to you, are too valuable to ignore. Sometimes when you stay close and look at them everyday, you dont really notice the minute or sometimes even bigger changes in them. I wonder if I really saw any changes for the past so many years I was with her than this just one year I stayed far away. My sincere words for people who are not so far away from their parents, please do visit them regularly. You would really know how happy you feel, but if you ask people who are far away, you would realise what a blessing it is!!!!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A doting father in the making....
I have heard and seen a special bonding between fathers and daughters. Her father is her first hero and eventually her image of a man depends on what kind of person her father is! I personally feel that he has the major role in her self-respect than anyone else in her life because what she learns at the early stages is what that makes her when she grows up. From the time we learnt we were going to have our Maya, all my friends told me to be aware of the fact that, even if I do the entire taking care of her part, she will naturally have a special relation with her dad and treat him much more special than me.
I often used to think what kind of father my husband would be. He is very loving and caring, yet he is the all-practical and I-know-it-all-matured personality in our entire family. He is the planner and his dreams were always way bigger than normal day to day living! I am this emotional person who practically is a non-planner and day dreamer and used to think that if he was going to remain this way, he might miss out the small wonders of life. But now, I see an entirely different version of him each and everyday and he has been talking and dreaming about the little activities of his child much more than me.
I often heard from couples that once a child is born, their entire conversation revolves only around the child. We have started experiencing that already, but in a different way than I had imagined. These days, whenever and wherever we see a child, whether its a beach or a park or a shopping complex or even a adjacent car in a traffic signal, his immediate reaction/question would be 'how old do you think that child is?'. Now, I am not an expert in children, but I am better than him because I had seen my niece grow up. He practically has never been near small children. I try to recollect how she looked at different ages and will come up with an approximate answer(not that all children grow up the same size, but he is satisfied with my answer anyway). Nowadays when I see him looking at a child, I start my internal calculation of how old that child might be and be ready with my answer even before he asks. Much to my suprise, my ever reserved husband asks how old their child is when we meet some parents with small kids.
And you wonder why he is so curious to know. He apparently wants his daughter to come and play with him right away. He shows me tricks that he used to do as a small kid and asks me if Maya will enjoy all of it, if she will be surprised when he does his little magic and be curious as how he does it. He constantly asks me when she will start recognizing him and smile and reach out to him. He is scared to hear stories about how little babies cry all night, but he also keeps a constant reminder that she will eventually start recognizing our faces and feel happy to see us and would stop crying. He dreamily talks of taking her to play areas and parks and even when we went to the library the other day, he went to look at the children book area and play stations and tells me that he would start taking her to these places once she grows up a little.
And there is this other important reason for his size and age check of babies. We planned to make our India trip for my brother in laws wedding and we assume it would be somewhere when Maya would be one to one and half years old. He wants to be sure that he can take her in his bike and go around to all places. And more importantly, he wants her to be a celebrity baby among all our relatives there. He asks if she would walk, talk and play around with people at that age. He has become this proud father who wants to show off his daughter and dreams of it everyday. Every time he sees a toddler running, he confirms it with me if our daughter will be running around in the marraige hall and look so beautiful with all pattu pavadai and make us feel proud and happy. Its cute to see how his dreams revolve around an event he considers so close to his heart with his dear daughter.
Before our marraige, my friends Jyothi-Adarsh, a loving couple I adore, told me that a relation evolves over the years and you start loving a father in your husband and so on as the days go by. I usually believe and follow everything that Jyothi or Shalu say to me:), but didnt really give it much thought at that time. Now looking at Uday, I understand what they were saying. Without my knowledge, Maya has become the centre of my world and yes, I surely love my husband, but I am much more in love with the father in him, than the person I married !:) And though I am a very possessive person who has always fought for my mom's attention, my husbands(even if there was no one to compete with), I will stand out and admire the beauty of the special bonding this father and daughter are going to have in years to come.
These are simple moments in our lives and something that happens in each and every parent's life, but I am writing this down in a hope that when Maya grows up to an age she can understand all this, she has the patience to read and know how much she was celebrated and loved right from the time she hadnt even seen the world yet!
I often used to think what kind of father my husband would be. He is very loving and caring, yet he is the all-practical and I-know-it-all-matured personality in our entire family. He is the planner and his dreams were always way bigger than normal day to day living! I am this emotional person who practically is a non-planner and day dreamer and used to think that if he was going to remain this way, he might miss out the small wonders of life. But now, I see an entirely different version of him each and everyday and he has been talking and dreaming about the little activities of his child much more than me.
I often heard from couples that once a child is born, their entire conversation revolves only around the child. We have started experiencing that already, but in a different way than I had imagined. These days, whenever and wherever we see a child, whether its a beach or a park or a shopping complex or even a adjacent car in a traffic signal, his immediate reaction/question would be 'how old do you think that child is?'. Now, I am not an expert in children, but I am better than him because I had seen my niece grow up. He practically has never been near small children. I try to recollect how she looked at different ages and will come up with an approximate answer(not that all children grow up the same size, but he is satisfied with my answer anyway). Nowadays when I see him looking at a child, I start my internal calculation of how old that child might be and be ready with my answer even before he asks. Much to my suprise, my ever reserved husband asks how old their child is when we meet some parents with small kids.
And you wonder why he is so curious to know. He apparently wants his daughter to come and play with him right away. He shows me tricks that he used to do as a small kid and asks me if Maya will enjoy all of it, if she will be surprised when he does his little magic and be curious as how he does it. He constantly asks me when she will start recognizing him and smile and reach out to him. He is scared to hear stories about how little babies cry all night, but he also keeps a constant reminder that she will eventually start recognizing our faces and feel happy to see us and would stop crying. He dreamily talks of taking her to play areas and parks and even when we went to the library the other day, he went to look at the children book area and play stations and tells me that he would start taking her to these places once she grows up a little.
And there is this other important reason for his size and age check of babies. We planned to make our India trip for my brother in laws wedding and we assume it would be somewhere when Maya would be one to one and half years old. He wants to be sure that he can take her in his bike and go around to all places. And more importantly, he wants her to be a celebrity baby among all our relatives there. He asks if she would walk, talk and play around with people at that age. He has become this proud father who wants to show off his daughter and dreams of it everyday. Every time he sees a toddler running, he confirms it with me if our daughter will be running around in the marraige hall and look so beautiful with all pattu pavadai and make us feel proud and happy. Its cute to see how his dreams revolve around an event he considers so close to his heart with his dear daughter.
Before our marraige, my friends Jyothi-Adarsh, a loving couple I adore, told me that a relation evolves over the years and you start loving a father in your husband and so on as the days go by. I usually believe and follow everything that Jyothi or Shalu say to me:), but didnt really give it much thought at that time. Now looking at Uday, I understand what they were saying. Without my knowledge, Maya has become the centre of my world and yes, I surely love my husband, but I am much more in love with the father in him, than the person I married !:) And though I am a very possessive person who has always fought for my mom's attention, my husbands(even if there was no one to compete with), I will stand out and admire the beauty of the special bonding this father and daughter are going to have in years to come.
These are simple moments in our lives and something that happens in each and every parent's life, but I am writing this down in a hope that when Maya grows up to an age she can understand all this, she has the patience to read and know how much she was celebrated and loved right from the time she hadnt even seen the world yet!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
There are people you 'meet' or I should rather say 'see' in life, probably just once in your entire lifetime, but leave a mark that you can never forget. They are those special strangers whom you remember in times when you feel down
I had an oppurtunity to be in this beautiful country Finland for about 6 months, but never really appreciated at that time (One of the many things I regret after passing that moment) . I was too homesick, missed food so much and was a complaining maniac for most of the time. My phone calls to home was always filled with tears about how I am craving for good food and wondering when I would return back to my home sweet home and tortured my manager to let me know of my return date. One of the days, my roomies and I decided that we will go out to the only Indian restaurant there and see how the food is. Previously, we never wanted to go there because it was called an Indian restaurant, but it was run by Hare Rama Hare Krishna Finnish group of people. We heard that the the food was nowhere near Indian, but that day we decided we will give it a try.
I was so upset that what we heard was infact true, the food was not tasty, but it could be because we were dreaming from the previous night itself. In the middle of our lunch, the waitress went and opened the door to let a man in. She took off his winter coat and I was shocked to see that he didnt have both his arms and his coat was somehow hanging over his shoulders. I dont know how he was able to let her know of his presence or may be she was expecting his daily visit around that time. He sat in a table next to us and we were trying to avoid to look at him, but none of us could eat anymore. The waitress took food from the buffet in a plate and came towards him. I really thought she was going to feed him too, but she told him the food items she had taken for him and left. He thanked her saying something that sounded like he liked the choice of her picking.
I couldnt help but observe what he was going to do next. He bent down and started eating directly from the plate and nothing can explain how horrible I felt at that moment. He patiently had everything and the end of it, the waitress came and very gently cleaned his face, fed him water and put his coat on again and he left. It might be a daily routine for them, but for us, it was something that we didnt think of experiencing. There I was, complaining about how "not Indian" the food is, how I wish I could eat good food atleast one day, etc, etc. I had not finished even a little of what we took in that plate because it wasnt tasty. I realised I had everything, money to get the food I want, ability to cook and more importantly do anything without anyones help and I saw a man who can possibly not do pretty much anything without help. We walked back to our apartment thinking of the other things in daily life that he needed help from others. I dont know much about that person, I just saw him once again when he got into a bus when I was walking towards the bus stop, I dont know if he was happy or sad or complaining about his life on a daily basis, but to a stranger like me, it didnt look that way at all. He looked pretty much at peace with himself.
I wouldnt say that I changed entirely after that incident and am perfectly complacent, I still do complain about trivial things and later feel silly about it. But that day I did stop complaining about my looks or simple health issues that no one in this world lives without. I really dont care how I dont have perfect hair or teeth, I do know that whatever we have is Gods blessing and He always gives what we need and not what we want! I can never forget that special stranger who made me feel so satisfied with what I have.
I had an oppurtunity to be in this beautiful country Finland for about 6 months, but never really appreciated at that time (One of the many things I regret after passing that moment) . I was too homesick, missed food so much and was a complaining maniac for most of the time. My phone calls to home was always filled with tears about how I am craving for good food and wondering when I would return back to my home sweet home and tortured my manager to let me know of my return date. One of the days, my roomies and I decided that we will go out to the only Indian restaurant there and see how the food is. Previously, we never wanted to go there because it was called an Indian restaurant, but it was run by Hare Rama Hare Krishna Finnish group of people. We heard that the the food was nowhere near Indian, but that day we decided we will give it a try.
I was so upset that what we heard was infact true, the food was not tasty, but it could be because we were dreaming from the previous night itself. In the middle of our lunch, the waitress went and opened the door to let a man in. She took off his winter coat and I was shocked to see that he didnt have both his arms and his coat was somehow hanging over his shoulders. I dont know how he was able to let her know of his presence or may be she was expecting his daily visit around that time. He sat in a table next to us and we were trying to avoid to look at him, but none of us could eat anymore. The waitress took food from the buffet in a plate and came towards him. I really thought she was going to feed him too, but she told him the food items she had taken for him and left. He thanked her saying something that sounded like he liked the choice of her picking.
I couldnt help but observe what he was going to do next. He bent down and started eating directly from the plate and nothing can explain how horrible I felt at that moment. He patiently had everything and the end of it, the waitress came and very gently cleaned his face, fed him water and put his coat on again and he left. It might be a daily routine for them, but for us, it was something that we didnt think of experiencing. There I was, complaining about how "not Indian" the food is, how I wish I could eat good food atleast one day, etc, etc. I had not finished even a little of what we took in that plate because it wasnt tasty. I realised I had everything, money to get the food I want, ability to cook and more importantly do anything without anyones help and I saw a man who can possibly not do pretty much anything without help. We walked back to our apartment thinking of the other things in daily life that he needed help from others. I dont know much about that person, I just saw him once again when he got into a bus when I was walking towards the bus stop, I dont know if he was happy or sad or complaining about his life on a daily basis, but to a stranger like me, it didnt look that way at all. He looked pretty much at peace with himself.
I wouldnt say that I changed entirely after that incident and am perfectly complacent, I still do complain about trivial things and later feel silly about it. But that day I did stop complaining about my looks or simple health issues that no one in this world lives without. I really dont care how I dont have perfect hair or teeth, I do know that whatever we have is Gods blessing and He always gives what we need and not what we want! I can never forget that special stranger who made me feel so satisfied with what I have.
Thoughtfulness of a little girl!
My niece sanjana is a lovely little girl who will turn 8 this september. But I still cannot get out of the image of that little baby who would be in her walker and would push everything near her to reach out to me. I was so proud of myself those moments when she wanted all my attention towards her. In life there are lot of moments you recollect and wish you could rewind and go back to that day, that moment and these are definitely one of those days for me.
When she joined her first year of Kinder garden, I would drop her at school some days before leaving to Bangalore (one of the lucky days while working in Lucent with the liberty to reach office anytime on monday mornings:) She would insist doing that when I am all dressed up to leave rather than the days I hadnt gotten ready! Kids have a funny way of showing off in front of their friends! One such day while I was dropping her, I saw couple of her classmates (boyzzzzz) in her classroom. I was about to kiss her before leaving, she very quietly said not here vaneekutti (she calls me that, even if my parents have stopped calling that way). I was disappointed looking at her rosy little cheek, but understood that she was shy in front of her friends! I told her to be a good girl to her mom and said would see her again that weekend and left.
In a couple of minutes, she came running after me and hugged and kissed me and asked me to kiss her. The expression I saw on her face that moment is something I really dont have words to express. I have been trying to think of a proper word ever since I thought of writing this blog, but I cant seem to find the right word. I can just say that it was very beautiful and her eyes made me speechless for a moment. I dont know what was running in her mind, whether she understood that I was disappointed, or she thought she wouldnt see me again for a week or it was just a small child who felt alone after her family member left, I dont still know about it. But I do know that her thoughtfulness made that moment very special and something I have captured and treasured.
I dont get to be near her now, but I often hear from her parents, my parents(her grandparents) about her academic excellence, her main role in school plays, how beautiful she is looking, etc, etc. But for me, she is very thoughtful and kind and the beauty of it makes me a proud aunt!
When she joined her first year of Kinder garden, I would drop her at school some days before leaving to Bangalore (one of the lucky days while working in Lucent with the liberty to reach office anytime on monday mornings:) She would insist doing that when I am all dressed up to leave rather than the days I hadnt gotten ready! Kids have a funny way of showing off in front of their friends! One such day while I was dropping her, I saw couple of her classmates (boyzzzzz) in her classroom. I was about to kiss her before leaving, she very quietly said not here vaneekutti (she calls me that, even if my parents have stopped calling that way). I was disappointed looking at her rosy little cheek, but understood that she was shy in front of her friends! I told her to be a good girl to her mom and said would see her again that weekend and left.
In a couple of minutes, she came running after me and hugged and kissed me and asked me to kiss her. The expression I saw on her face that moment is something I really dont have words to express. I have been trying to think of a proper word ever since I thought of writing this blog, but I cant seem to find the right word. I can just say that it was very beautiful and her eyes made me speechless for a moment. I dont know what was running in her mind, whether she understood that I was disappointed, or she thought she wouldnt see me again for a week or it was just a small child who felt alone after her family member left, I dont still know about it. But I do know that her thoughtfulness made that moment very special and something I have captured and treasured.
I dont get to be near her now, but I often hear from her parents, my parents(her grandparents) about her academic excellence, her main role in school plays, how beautiful she is looking, etc, etc. But for me, she is very thoughtful and kind and the beauty of it makes me a proud aunt!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Day I fell in love with my little angel
I had always loved kids! But somehow never got a chance to be around small babies or kids until my niece came along. She was the first baby I had seen grow up and that time I even felt that I cannot love my own child that much. I was wrong! I am in love with my baby more than everything in this world even before I can see her.
This particular day was when we went in for 20th week Morphology scan! Till then, I was excited that we are going to have a baby, but often I wondered why I didnt feel so connected to my child. I read mommy articles and everyone around me asked me to do a lot of things keeping the baby in mind, but I was just relaxing and going ahead with my life as if there was no big change. Trust me, I was often guilty and thought the emotional me had changed and I wouldnt love my baby so much, what kind of mother would I be, etc, etc.
Both me and my husband wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and were very eager for this scan day to come. When we went for the scan, we told him that we wanted to know the gender of the baby and the technician said he would eventually come to that as part of the procedure. Initially when he started measuring the size of head, neck, etc, I was restless. Cudnt wait to know !! But later when he was trying to move the baby to see that little hand that he/she wasnt showing, it struck me that there were more important things than what I wanted to know, if he/she was healthy!!! The actual purpose of the scan, to know if everything was alright with the baby!!! I still get scared when I think of that moment and realise how stupid I had been for so long. The baby eventually turned and showed her hand and we were all happy. Figured out what we will having our little angel(though the technician warned us not to fill in with pink stuff) and came home.
Couple of days later, we got the scan sheets and I was looking at it, though I didnt understand much of their measurement language. All on a sudden I saw two little feet together. It was such a mesmerizing moment in my life and I know it changed everything in me. I dont remember how long I was holding to the sheet till my husband saw me crying and asked me why. He couldnt understand why I was crying after knowing that our baby was healthy. Actually I didnt know why I was crying until I realised that I was overcome with love for my child. I had not lost my cool till that moment and I knew that my life would never be the same. I was so deep in love with my angel and I wanted to see that little feet and hold it so badly.
I am yet to see my dearest maya, got to wait for almost 8 weeks for her, but now I have the confidence of being a mother than I had before:)
This particular day was when we went in for 20th week Morphology scan! Till then, I was excited that we are going to have a baby, but often I wondered why I didnt feel so connected to my child. I read mommy articles and everyone around me asked me to do a lot of things keeping the baby in mind, but I was just relaxing and going ahead with my life as if there was no big change. Trust me, I was often guilty and thought the emotional me had changed and I wouldnt love my baby so much, what kind of mother would I be, etc, etc.
Both me and my husband wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and were very eager for this scan day to come. When we went for the scan, we told him that we wanted to know the gender of the baby and the technician said he would eventually come to that as part of the procedure. Initially when he started measuring the size of head, neck, etc, I was restless. Cudnt wait to know !! But later when he was trying to move the baby to see that little hand that he/she wasnt showing, it struck me that there were more important things than what I wanted to know, if he/she was healthy!!! The actual purpose of the scan, to know if everything was alright with the baby!!! I still get scared when I think of that moment and realise how stupid I had been for so long. The baby eventually turned and showed her hand and we were all happy. Figured out what we will having our little angel(though the technician warned us not to fill in with pink stuff) and came home.
Couple of days later, we got the scan sheets and I was looking at it, though I didnt understand much of their measurement language. All on a sudden I saw two little feet together. It was such a mesmerizing moment in my life and I know it changed everything in me. I dont remember how long I was holding to the sheet till my husband saw me crying and asked me why. He couldnt understand why I was crying after knowing that our baby was healthy. Actually I didnt know why I was crying until I realised that I was overcome with love for my child. I had not lost my cool till that moment and I knew that my life would never be the same. I was so deep in love with my angel and I wanted to see that little feet and hold it so badly.
I am yet to see my dearest maya, got to wait for almost 8 weeks for her, but now I have the confidence of being a mother than I had before:)
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