What I would like to do

For myself - Be positive. For some time now, I have started experiencing ‘What we think, we become’. The more good things I think, the more happier I am. I read quotes, post it on the fridge, remind myself every other day. But sometimes, toxic thoughts do appear in my mind. Overpowering me and puts me down. It is when I want to understand that its just a phase and I need to rise above that again - Focus and integrity. Whilst I know I am doing my best at home, I don’t think I am doing the same at work. I want to change that. I want to be accountable for what I do and I want to give my best For my kids Oh… that’s going to be a very long list. Out of which the first and major one would be 1. To talk – I want to talk to them as much as I can – when they are in this young phase where they want to hear from me. Soon they will grow out of it. 2. To play with them – that’s one of the major things I haven’t been good at. Maya loves loves and loves the one or two times I have played snake and ladder with her. Karthi wants me to play tickling games. I really should play with them more. I didn’t have a childhood full of play, was pretty serious in our household. I now have the life where I can play and just be happy. So that’s onething I seriously want to incorporate in our lives 3. To cook – Onething I really love is having the kids around all the time. Want to cook lots of different dishes for them, with them. 4. To love love and love them unconditionally – Pretty much every mom does that. But I have found that loving them when they are darlings is so easy, but loving them when they are mischievous is so damn hard. I cannot believe the tone of my voice sometimes and I end up feeling extremely guilty afterwards.

Update as of today – 11th April 2019

I was thinking what was there to write a blog about in my life right now, I think it will be just general things, which sounds so mundane right now, but will be a valuable memory for later. And some recent incidents have shown me my true companions, Books and writing. Will stick to that because they cannot hurt me ever. And I can keep writing in the break time when I actually go to the ‘Idle brain in the devil workshop’ mode. I am borderline stalking on Twitter, FB, Whatsapp and truly need a social media break. They do more bad than good. Karthik started school this year 2019 – a term has already completed. Was tough first two weeks, he showed tremendous enthusiasm in joining big school, but I think the new environment, toilets being far away, caused him a bit of anxiety. Had accidents 4 days and then I introduced sticker charts for somethings – not wetting his pants, finishing his lunch and I think it worked. Whether that worked or he got used to that system, its good to see him confident and happy. But somewhere during the end of the term, he wanted to go back to Kindy. When I asked him why, he said he could paint a lot there and do whatever he wanted. I guess the class structure and limited time to do his favourite things took a toll on him. All on a sudden he came and asked me for Tuckshop money one day. Maya didn’t have it until year 2. I was surprised, but I saw couple of kids with money already, so I gave him a dollar. The first time I gave him, I asked maya to take him to the tuckshop. The next time he says, he wants to go by himself or his friend Diya. He kept repeating, Diya can take me, Diya can take me and I let it go Another day, he had forgotten to go to the tuckshop and then lost it in Speech and drama after hours class. When I went to pick him up after that, he was in tears when he remembered that some boy took the money. The whole evening, whenever he remembered that, he was in tears. It was just a simple incident, but it hurts you so much that you cannot do anything for the hurt caused in your child. Maya is in year 4. Actually I think so far her best year. She isn’t doing exceptionally well, she is just a happy average kid. It took a very long time for me to come to terms with that. But she has got the best teacher she loves and her best friend and so far, she is going well. She has started telling when her assessments are, I am super glad she atleast has gotten that responsible. From wishing to be the gold star student, I have made peace to the playful child she is – that she atleast remembers to tell me when there is an assessment. More than her growth, it is how I have grown as a mom that surprises me.

So good at his words!

The kids are having school holidays, the first ever they are at home with my dad. He is visiting us for 6 months – 1 year. Maya was quite excited initially, but I could see her enthusiasm wearing off. My dad has been alone for so long that he is not too playful and is a bit of a strict task master and I can see why the kids do not enjoy it too much. Yesterday after Maya’s karate, I took them to McDonalds and was just trying to have a conversation. I asked Karthi, how was your day. He replied back – ‘I am starting to get angry on Thatha’. I was honestly taken aback by his words, I repeated asking, why would he say that – he said – he is rude to me and when I cry, he is mean to me. I could do nothing but laugh at the choice of his words. He is a darling, it might be the mother in me talking, but as far as I know, he is so well behaved and unbelievably cute. Maya would think otherwise, but honestly, he is super cute