Reminder to blog more

I had completely forgotten about blogging until a stranger today messaged me about a blog I had written about a mom who died suddenly leaving her young children behind. When I read some of my blogs, it sounded so far away and though at that moment I felt like I wouldn’t forget this ever, I had actually forgotten many of it. I realised I needed to write some more and save those memories for myself and for my children. Last week has been tricky and trying. Whilst I was so proud that my kids behaved so well in their cousins birthday party, I was disappointed with my daughters ICAS results. I tried hard, I got previous years question papers, made her practise at home and she infact said she did well. And results were disappointing. I spent a day and half scolding her, chiding her for not doing well and she needs to work hard. While I still think she should work hard in life, I don’t know if what they focus on the education system here is really necessary for life. The focus on English is too much, compared to maths or science. Atleast from what I have seen, it definitely feels like it. English is a language of communication, I don’t know if the level they expect is really going to help her in life unless she is going to write dramas or do something with English alone. Anyway, more than the change in her, the change in me is necessary. I sit back and think as the lady who messaged me today expressed shock over how uncertain life is. Maya and me have come a really really long way. From those beautiful eyes staring at me when she was 2 days old to the beautiful healthy 8 year old now. Last year when we went for the yearly school health checkup, she was above the average weight of a 7 year old (that’s Caucasian standards), my happiness was unexplainable. She was below 2% until the age of 5 and all I used to think was, her health and happiness is more important. I think I grew greedy once her health and weight scares went away. I tell myself now again, the kids health, happiness and then comes their academics. I realise I have been showing this stress on the little one too. He will stay so little only for a few more years. I know that too well. I literally carried maya like a baby until she was 4.5 years old. She was tiny and was so clingy. Now even if I want to, I am unable to carry the 8 yr old who is in some ways have more upper body strength than me. Karthi who is 4 yrs now, often says, huggie me, which means basically carry him around and show him what I am doing in the kitchen. Mostly I oblige because I know that it wouldn’t be long that I will be unable to carry him as well. My beautiful beautiful children, I know I am a mixed bag of emotions, some days wanting the best out of you both and some days just happy to be alive and hugging. I promise I will improve myself. I will strive hard to be a positive and encouraging mom, than a demanding one. You both are the treasures of my life. Love you heaps and heaps that I feel my heart is bursting sometimes.