May be a dream, maybe he woke up and looked for me!

I cannot begin to say how lucky we are to decide to have Karthi, after the miscarriage, after the 12th week scan that said he could have Down syndrome or heart trouble. Something told me that it will all be alright and there is not a day recently that Uday hasn’t said how lucky we are to have him. Maya is a lovely child, but she isn’t expressive. If at all she expresses, it will only be to me. Karthi is a totally different story, he is not so expressive to me, but super expressive to Uday. He makes Uday so happy, all his kisses, cuddles and every time he returns from gym or office, this little boy rushes to him and hugs him so tight, showers him with kisses and melts all our hearts. He has done lot of mischief, poured water on our laptop, broke the car windshield throwing stones and what not, but Uday hardly gets angry on him. His cheeky smile leaves us speechless He is very funny, whole day, from the early morning, until he goes to bed, he wants me and me only. He wouldn’t even allow Uday to change his bedtime nappy. But the minute he lands on bed, he wants only Uday. I have to some days fight with him or get upset to sleep with me. So mostly maya sleeps with me and Karthi sleeps with Uday. Last night, should be around 3 pm or so, I could hear the bed room door open. Karthi walked hurriedly calling out for me. That’s his usual routine. He wakes up and mostly will find me downstairs in the kitchen. He would quietly walk down and come to me for a hug. Last night he couldn’t see the lights and called out for me. I said I am here only baby, where are you going? He hurried to me saying I want you mummy and slept on me until early morning when I left him hugging his sister in the bed. I felt so happy. It isn’t a competition with Uday, but his attention and love makes me feel so happy. He is so expressive, he sees me or Maya wearing a nice dress or even a nice earring, the first thing he would say is – you look so pretty. He gathers his sisters pins and ear rings and rubber bands and gives as I dress her up. He truly admires her that it feels so beautiful. What a lovely child he is. He is so short tempered too. His first word when he is upset with me is that –I don’t love you. I immediately say, that’s fine, I don’t love you too, he rushes to me and hugs me and says please love me. I don’t mean to hurt him, but I don’t want him to say this even in anger. Love you my little boy! I love you so much that sometimes my heart feels like it is going to just burst!

Exercising isn’t actually that hard!!

I am a person who has no interest or no clue about exercising or anything related to sports. From my childhood, I was this nerd, unable to fit in, but trying hard to fit in kind of girl. I am neither athletic nor have any interest in any sort of physical activity. The only encounter I ever had with sports was in my year 7, when I participated in slow cycling and won 2nd. That isn’t much of an athletic activity, so to say. Uday isn’t very athletic too, but he sort of had an early midlife crisis couple of years ago and started gyming. He wasn’t regular or anything like that, but he definitely showed improvement. Being food addicts, to stay in shape is too hard. I started my first pregnancy at 55 kgs, went to 69 at my last month. But for karthi, I started at 72 kgs and went up to 90. I went on a raw vegan diet, not too strict, but I lost a lot and was 62 before my India trip for my brother in-laws wedding. Then never followed it and was back to 73 kgs last month. I was totally out of shape and I didn’t fit into any of my sarees blouses. Though I love to dress up in rare occasions we have to wear a saree, I was just unable too. So just a month ago, I started a bit of clean eating and started exercising at home. Just started with Leslie’s walk at home which was suggested in one of the facebook groups. And then started Lucys HIIT exercise. It’s been a month and I have to be honest, I am loving it. I didn’t see any change in my weight or didn’t have any inch loss, though I feel a bit light. The other day when we walked to mayas school, karthi wanted me to carry and to avoid it, I showed him a puppy far away. He wanted to run so he can see the puppy up and close. I ran behind him and I was totally fine. Just to realise that a month ago, I was panting-out-of-breath even to walk and I am able to run for a short distance without panting, I now know that though it doesn’t show much in the dress size or the weighing scale, there is definitely a good change happening in me. Uday was making fun of my home exercises, but he now supports and admires it. I am confident that I will be consistent and I will definitely get into that shape. It is not about weighing scale or dress size, it is more about fitting into my favourite saree blouses for me

Reminder to blog more

I had completely forgotten about blogging until a stranger today messaged me about a blog I had written about a mom who died suddenly leaving her young children behind. When I read some of my blogs, it sounded so far away and though at that moment I felt like I wouldn’t forget this ever, I had actually forgotten many of it. I realised I needed to write some more and save those memories for myself and for my children. Last week has been tricky and trying. Whilst I was so proud that my kids behaved so well in their cousins birthday party, I was disappointed with my daughters ICAS results. I tried hard, I got previous years question papers, made her practise at home and she infact said she did well. And results were disappointing. I spent a day and half scolding her, chiding her for not doing well and she needs to work hard. While I still think she should work hard in life, I don’t know if what they focus on the education system here is really necessary for life. The focus on English is too much, compared to maths or science. Atleast from what I have seen, it definitely feels like it. English is a language of communication, I don’t know if the level they expect is really going to help her in life unless she is going to write dramas or do something with English alone. Anyway, more than the change in her, the change in me is necessary. I sit back and think as the lady who messaged me today expressed shock over how uncertain life is. Maya and me have come a really really long way. From those beautiful eyes staring at me when she was 2 days old to the beautiful healthy 8 year old now. Last year when we went for the yearly school health checkup, she was above the average weight of a 7 year old (that’s Caucasian standards), my happiness was unexplainable. She was below 2% until the age of 5 and all I used to think was, her health and happiness is more important. I think I grew greedy once her health and weight scares went away. I tell myself now again, the kids health, happiness and then comes their academics. I realise I have been showing this stress on the little one too. He will stay so little only for a few more years. I know that too well. I literally carried maya like a baby until she was 4.5 years old. She was tiny and was so clingy. Now even if I want to, I am unable to carry the 8 yr old who is in some ways have more upper body strength than me. Karthi who is 4 yrs now, often says, huggie me, which means basically carry him around and show him what I am doing in the kitchen. Mostly I oblige because I know that it wouldn’t be long that I will be unable to carry him as well. My beautiful beautiful children, I know I am a mixed bag of emotions, some days wanting the best out of you both and some days just happy to be alive and hugging. I promise I will improve myself. I will strive hard to be a positive and encouraging mom, than a demanding one. You both are the treasures of my life. Love you heaps and heaps that I feel my heart is bursting sometimes.