My brave little girl .......

Like my friend once said, being a mother, you find yourself often worried or scared about some or the other thing. I think it comes along with the benefits of having a child! Its like a syndrome thats there starting from bigger things like her future or smaller things as why is she sleeping too little or sleeping a lot, if she is active during the day or not active, etc, etc. I dont know how I would be when she starts to crawl, walk, run, etc, etc. I am sure I will be worried sick if she will fall, hit herself..Hmm...I dont want to think about it now !! I am worried enough already on a daily basis. My friend once said how scared she was when her little son started riding the bicycle and she actually thought I would be a cool mom, unlike her. I thought so too and thought she worried too much, but ask me now !!!

Last week was her second vaccination and I was scared and disturbed for two weeks from the time my husband booked the appointment. The day before her vaccination, I actually felt like I had fever. First reason was, she cried or I should say screamed during her first vaccination. Actually she doesnt cry much, so to see her scream with tears was an absolute shock for both of us. But I was glad that I was not the one holding her during the vaccination, but my husband was. This time with the situation that we moved to the city where I work and husband visiting on weekends, I was even more worried that I would be the one with her and this reason was as troubling as the first one. I was worried if I will not hold her tight enough for her injection. I was planning to give her to a nurse to avoid the risk of being scared and shaking during the shot. I surely missed my husband who was so brave during her first vaccination. Our friend helped us to get to the hospital and I was all set prepared to ask for help there to hold little Maya. On our way, the little one was sleeping so peacefully and I was worried that she will go into a shock, why should good things like vaccinations be so hard to take and how I would console her. Till the moment we reached the hospital, I was in half mind to ask him to take us back home.

As soon as I went in, I realised that it wasnt a hospital, but a nurse/mid-wife was sitting there with injections on a table and no one else was there. It was like the polio-drop centres in India where its no proper hospital, but just a place with table and chairs Irrationally I was angry at everyone :( My first target was my husband, how could he have booked an appointment here which is not a hospital. Then at them as how they cant arrange atleast two people in that center for parents to ask for help. Then I realised I was stupid enough because my husband was doing every possible help he can by remote management and probably this is how all the centers work. Then I told the lady over there that I was scared, I dont know if I can do this, she will cry too much, etc, etc. I was in tears by the time I finished saying all the problems of my little universe in my hands. She must have seen lots and lots of people like me, so she said we will be fine and asked me to just hold her and cuddle her when its all done. She actually taught me every step to lift her, hug her close (I think she must have interpreted my scary explanations as I dont know how to show my affection to my child....May be I shouldnt have said so much...)

The poor child had two injections (I cursed all the diseases against which she had to be vaccinated---if they didnt exist, she neednt be vaccinated right) and did cry a lot, but she didnt scream as the first time. She cried as how she cries normally (a new worry as I am writing this now, is she crying too much these days, that I am used to it ??) Well anyway, back to what I was saying, I was actually waiting for her to scream. Thought that when the medicine goes in, she will scream and was getting ready to face it. But actually, she was quite peaceful as soon as she saw her favourite toy and settled down very soon. On our way back, she was back to her normal smiling and cooing. As soon as we went home, she saw my mother and as usual smiled extra ordinarily and went to sleep. She must have some reactions to the medicine, so she woke up, but was just cooing and smiling and then going back to sleep the whole night. I couldnt believe that this little one was so brave and I was so proud and happy and felt like she was a warrior, went to the battle field and returned home safe. The rest of the week went in telling(boring) everyone how brave she was.

Now, apart from all the things I say about she being brave, the mid-wife being so capable and good, my latest worry is that, did she actually give the injection properly, did Maya get all the vaccinations necessary, were the shots given good enough(Because I was closing my eyes when she had her injection)... All because you know why...Because she didnt cry as much as I thought she would... Can someone please help me get a cure for this disease....:(

What I didnt know would happen to me before Maya was born

I didnt know.....

- How I couldnt care less about my looks, I am sure all mothers would agree that they look like a glorified maid half the time (In my case, almost at all times)
- How it feels guilty to think of a career, feels like deceiving her most of the time
- How getting ready means just taking bath....
- How washing hair would become a luxury (havent thought of any other make up yet so far)
- How having a me-time leaves me feel super guilty all the time afterwards
- How we cannot just get up and go anywhere like before, need to be prepared atleast an hour before actually leaving somewhere
- How a small trip means a car full of things and you still cant stop feeling that it would be better if you had THAT item with you
- How restless I can feel wherever I am except for when I am around her
- How poo and wee can become a part of normal vocabulary
- How hard I could pray for smaller things like vaccinations/solid foods reaction/formula reaction, etc, etc. and the list goes on..
- How Maya becomes part and parcel of every conversation I have these days, sometimes even with absolute strangers !!
- How difficult it is to have topics for conversation with a friend who doesnt have kids ( I dont want to sound like the mom who thinks her kid is THE kid in the universe , but nothing sounds more important to talk about)
- How proud I can feel when I say I have a little girl...cant remember if I ever felt proud about something the same way as I do now .. Cant stop wondering how I could have made someone so beautiful
- How I cannot wait for the day when she would call me Amma - I still remember the day when I walked in to the Special baby care Unit in the hospital and when they asked me in the reception who I was, I said Mayas mother and felt like I won the most special award in the universe.
- Out of all, how life would become so wonderful when you see that innocent teethless smile:)